Back Story

I have been infatuated with my "cheating" partner, we'll call him Ben for a little privacy, since the moment I laid eyes on him. I will be the first to admit that love at first sight does not exist (I'm actually having trouble believing love exists anymore), but this was close. I met him my first month on the job. He was gorgeous, dark hair, blue eyes, quick to smile and very well put together. What woman wouldn't fall for that? My first instinct was that he was gay. No man that perfect is straight. We quickly became friends and took the standard smoke breaks together and went out with the team from work for drinks occasionally. I just thought he was unattainable and way out of my league. That was until we started to IM each other and I found a whole new side of him. Actually I found multiple sides of him, for someone so seemingly straightforward in appearance he is very complex and that just drew me in even farther. We started to see each other keeping it quiet from everyone we knew, because we sat right next to each other at work we knew it would get complicated quick if other people found out. Then one of our coworkers decided to try and set me up with her brother. I was torn between maintaining the charade and keeping him. I choose to go on a few dates with the brother all the while letting Ben know. Ben got a promotion and we just seemed to drift apart. About a month later I found out he started dating someone else at work, so I just kept dating the brother. Two years passed and we only talked when we occasionally bumped into each other. He was never far from my thoughts though.

One day about a year ago I decided to call him out of the blue and see how he was doing and thats all it took. I was hooked on him like never before, but living/dating the brother of a mutual friend. Some how we found reasons to be alone together, help researching a project, driving lessons, protesting the federal bailouts. Life was good and I was so crazy in love with Ben I couldn't ever find the words to tell him. He has this power over me, he can get me to do what ever he wants me to, whether he knows it or not. During this time he had to move about 10 hours from here. I was crushed. We had a great previous six months and I was looking forward to more. After he moved we text constantly. We even exchanged several special videos. At one point he joked about running off and eloping (I know he was joking, but it would have been nice). I intentionally took a summer internship closer to where he was living so we could try and spend more time together. That failed miserably though. Over the summer I was only able to see him once and toward the end of it he slept with the mutual friend we share (remember I'm dating her brother). Talk about disaster. I had to listen to her ramble for over a month about why Ben didn't call and had to try and tell her how to get the man I love all without telling her I was in love with him. Sounds like something from a soap opera right. The summer ending with Ben being upset with her for talking to me about what happened and him just not talking to me. Oh and me breaking up with the friends brother.

I waited a couple of months and started to text him again. Now he is wanting me to come visit him and I am so confused. I would love to feel his skin against mine again. I enjoy just doing nothing with him more than he probably knows, but after everything that happened this summer I'm not sure. I want the two of us to me more than f*&k buddies. I can actually see myself spending the rest of my life with him, enjoying figuring out the puzzle that he is, but I feel betrayed not only because he slept with a friend (I really have no room to talk there since I was dating someone at the time), but because he told her about parts of us. I'm not sure what all was said, but it was enough for the friend to tell her brother once we had split and for the brother to come asking questions of my fidelity. Ben dynes telling her anything, but I know he at least slipped about the videos. If not more. The weird thing is that the friend and I spend plenty of time together over the summer and since and she never said a word to me about any of it except the videos and now she isn't talking to me because she thinks I had something to do with her and Ben not working out this summer.

Ugh I feel like I should tell him the truth about how I feel, but I just think that will screw things up between the two of us. Maybe starting this blog again is my way of sorting things out before going to him or part of me is hoping that by some stroke of luck he will find it and I won't actually have to tell him. I am such a pansy.

Restart of an old blog

About 10 years ago I started this blog after I broke up with an x, but now I can't remember the password to it, so I'm starting another one. My old blog was http://wheredoigofromhere.blogspot.com/ in case you are interested in reading my old ramblings.

Surprise surprise I'm starting back up because I've broken up with another boyfriend. Its not the loss of the boyfriend that has me writing again though its the confusion I have over the guy I was cheating on him with. I'm sure I'll have plenty of entries talking about how I f@$%ed up and should have stayed with the last guy, but maybe not.